There has been a tangential project while I've been on this trek (I alluded to it a couple o' posts ago) and that is the wonderful world of dating sites. And by "wonderful" I mean "ego-crushing", "self-questioning" and "soul-stomping". Not weep worthy, to be sure, but jeez...
OK, here's what one site does for you in your search for twoo wuv: after an exhaustive questionaire asking one's feelings regarding everything from "perfect date" to "boxers vs briefs", it then matches you up with likely victims...er...candidates. It would appear that my ideal mates are probably in their 60's-70's, fond of walks (notice how it doesn't say "long" walks), and are seeking a companion for their twilight years. Oh, and I'm not to be shocked by the ventilator. The mere fact that me as the perfect partner might also have the same attributes as a poodle kinda makes me edgy. But I am toilet-trained. Take that, Trixie Foo Foo!!
Now don't think I didn't scroll through the boys myself and tried to make contact with 'em. I sent out short messages along the lines of "Nice profile, nice smile, check out my profile and let me know if you're interested and if not, good luck and all the best." Responses varied from the exhaustive "Nope." to "Wow, you're really smart, what a charming profile shot, you're the funnest profile I've read! Good luck!!"
Good luck? You've just taken the time to email me back, essentially saying that I was a terrific gal but NO? What did I miss here? Oh, maybe they were being nice, letting me down easy. In the most abrupt way possible. I had several responses that paraphrased the above, too. "You intrigue me", "I've a thing for mischievious smiles", "You've made my day" and then BLAMMO "Hope you find that special someone." I hope they find anthrax...(shallow? Mean? A drought of this magnitude requires harsh words...)
The best was one guy - kinda looked like Gordon Ramsay. We exchanged a message (pre-written by the site) and then I asked for his detailed list of "Must haves/Can't stands" (this is a formal questionaire). On his, he couldn't stand overweight people and needed someone who was "attractive by today's standards". Seeing as I am overweight and the poster-girl for "Lovelies of the 1890's", I sent him a message saying that, because of his preference, we shouldn't continue. So I closed the match. Fair I thought. Then I got a request from him to re-open the match. Wow, I thought, maybe he's willing to overlook my poundage and non-super model face. So I re-opened and sent him a message that I had done so. He then closed the match. I got virtually dumped. He couldn't stand the thought of some blob possibly denying him and therefore dumped me. And got his penis back, no doubt...(ok, that was mean. Mea culpa. But it felt good to write it.)
Alrighty, undaunted by the douche baggery of it all, I joined another site. For half an hour. No sooner had I posted but boom, boom, boom, messages came flying back at me like an artillery bombardment. "Hey sexy", "Nice mouth" and "Mmm, I want me some of that" dirtied up my monitor. One of them actually sounded like a reasonable person so I checked their profile. OK, when did the header "Interests" suddenly include things like "Oral", "Threesomes" and "Spanking good times"?? Whatever happened to "Hockey" and "Fine Dining"? "Carpentry" fercrissakes?? This wasn't even in the "Intimate (read: Between the sheets) Encounters" section!! I removed my profile, removed my clothes and took a shower. Ewwwwww....
Then I took one more shot on another site. Now this one could be labelled the "I'm gonna be honest with you" site because almost every message back to my request for a "hook-up"
BARTENDER!!
Another service this site offerered was, by virtue of your profile, they could determine the chemistry that would likely result between you and another member. They would grade it on a percentile. And so I looked up who on the site would at least fall into the 85%+ group. I swear to the Omnipotent, one guy's profile shot was him taking his picture in the bathroom at his black eye. Swollen shut a la Rocky Balboa. His one interest: Stuff. Another bring-home-to mom-eriffic chap listed his interests as 1)cars, 2)race-cars and 3)imported cars. His perfect date night: Let's get wasted and see where it goes. If it "goes" in a car after, we can "go" to the police station. Dreamy.
MAKE IT A DOUBLE!!
And constant with all 3 sites: who said one's site name, handle as 'twere, should end in "'r" as in "Lov'r", "Gambl'r" or "Hugg'r"? A moment of silence for the neglected "e". *sniff*
*sigh* Yes, yes, I know, these are people that don't even know me and I shouldn't take their doucheness to heart (such a flexible word: Douche). I would have thought that my profile posts would've enabled them to see past the shell and into the pearl. Alas, no. And to be perfectly honest, there were some pictures of fellas that were less than agreeable to mine eyes, and yes I skimmed over them without even looking at their profile. I'm not standing on some lofty windswept pedestal. Hmmm, maybe I'll go back and re-join once I get me a helping of humble pie.
Which will taste delicious when coupled with a Drambuie.
So I'm going to focus on one thing at a time - I'll take care of the bod and let the heart go by the wayside for a little while longer. But when Valentine's Day hits, lock up your sons! And Grandpa, bring your ventilator, you're gonna need it!!
LiliLaLarge
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