There are some colours in the spectrum that I simply cannot wear: Navy blue, mustard yellow, anything preceeded by the word "salmon" (red and pink, I'm talking to you!). But there is one colour family that takes my deathly pallor and turns it into white and pink and peaches and cream - green. Any shade of green: lime, apple, forest, Kelly, hospital, puke. You name it. But there is a green that I wear that, even under the best of lighting arrays, simply makes me look oooogly. The green of Jealosy.
The green eyed monster. One of the seven deadly sins, dontcha know. It's deadly, alright - it kills any sense of self-worth, confidence, and belief in oneself.
"How come she got a better job than me? I want that job so much...my job sucks."
"How come he's paying attention to her? He should be paying attention to me...but I guess she's prettier."
"How come she has a better body? I want that body so much...it must be genetic."
Your face changes when you have those thoughts - your eyes narrow on the target of your jealosy, your mouth turns down into a bitter sneer, your body caves in around itself as you shrink into self-loathing. Ever notice the villains in cartoons, comic books and the like? They always seem to be plotting to get the one thing they don't have, hunched over themselves, flinty eyes slithering in their heads, waiting for their big chance to snatch away the girl, the bank, the world...
I was visiting a gym the other week, and while I was imagining what my funeral would look like (the occurence of which seemed closer every step on the elliptical I took), I noticed 2 women: one was a gorgeous gal just pounding away on the treadmill, a super fit body working hard and the other was on the next machine, stealing glances at her with a look that said nothing short of "Bitch". The second woman may have been attractive had she not dipped her face in venom. When the first woman got off her machine, the second one stared after her, looked her up and down, muttered something, shook her head and sneered. They hadn't exchanged any words or appeared to know each other at all - all I saw was pure undistilled jealosy.
Do I ever feel jealous of what someone else has? Oh hell, yeah. Yes I do. I can work my heart-rate into its own episode of House (be nasty to me, Hugh Laurie...what was I saying again? Oh yeah..), and I still won't be the girl in the fitness magazine doing the exact same exercise. Even when I was at my thinnest and fittest, I was never like them. And I will never be like them now. I'm very far behind in a lot of aspects of my life in comparison to a lot of my friends, and it's possible I may never catch up. Do I feel jealousy towards them? At times - at my weekest, not feeling myself-est moments. And that's the crux of the matter...jealosy saps, swindles and steals your self from you.
Jealosy gives you no credit when credit is due. Jealosy never rewards, never acknowledges all the wonderful stuff you do for yourelf or for other people. Ultimately, jealousy fucking outright lies. It shows you only what you lack, never what you actually have. It tells you what you aren't while never saying who you are.
I won't ever be a fashion model but I will be the voluptuous demi-goddess that I am. This is what I have, I have my belief. I'll never win an Oscar, but I'll support my local artists in every way I can. This is what I do because I can. I may never find the mate of my soul, the cream in my coffee, my left shoe for my right, but I have everything I need right now. Today.
I have wonderful people in my life who will help steer me clear of the green eyed monster. After my "dating sites" post of the other day, I had a super broad tell me not to give up, to get back on the horse and not to be daunted. She found her husband on a dating site and told me of the slugs she had to go through in order to find him. She told me not to "wait it out" until I had reached babedom - that it was silly and counter to what I have been writing about all this time. I had forgotten about faith and self-worth and all that good stuff. She thinks I'm pretty much of a babe, anyway.
When all is said and done, I haven't any reason to be jealous of anyone. Look what I got in my corner.
LiliLaLarge
PS-If you're my age or thereabouts, you grew up with Sesame Street. I ripped off today's title from one of my earliest memories of the show. It speaks of another shade of green, one I think we all look pretty good wearing. And if you got some, sit a little munchkin with you as you watch this. Or sing it to 'em later. I think I should hum it to myself a little more...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RIOiwg2iHio
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