Taking the good with the flab...

"Women aren't supposed to sweat, burp, fart or sh*t.  If we didn't bitch, we'd explode."
                                                                                                            Roseane Barr

Let me set the mood for you: I'm shovelling salad down my throat as it is the first meal all day since breakfast, and on itunes radio I'm listening to Whisperings:Solo piano.  Familiar with this station? Well, every tune usually starts in a major key (happy!), heads off into minor (sad!), gets really into a groove as it gets all disonant (confused!) and climaxes back into major (bliss!).  The tunes have titles like "Footprints on the Rainbow", "Unicorn in May" or "Memory of Her Hair Pin".  Very heartfelt, simply aching with longing...makes Zamfir sound like death-metal.  And why, you may ask, am I listening to this ear-pap?  Because I have had a bad day.

Before y'all start thinking, based on my previous posts, that all is lollipops and bunnies and the flowers that bloom in the spring, tra-la...it ain't.  OK, occassionally it comes quite close...more often than not, all things considered. Believe you me, though, I'm subject to the buffets and blows of this existence just as much as the next girl.  I'm also prone to mood swings.  And we're talking amusement park sized mood swings (you must be this high to ride this ride). I can normally snap myself out of things, but today was just one of those days where I had to look up to see down. 

It started off just fine - yoga (dizziness is slowly abating. And I've found a lovely spot on the wall to focus on), a series of weights and lunges, a really nice breakfast followed by my commute which was painless.  The first few hours of work were equally un-icky.  And then...

Kapow!! Piles of poo which had hitherto been teetering on the edge of the cliff finally collapsed.  In short, the work began mounting at a frightening speed.  Phonecalls, emails, faxes, questions. Everything now, NOW, NOW!!!  I hunkered down and called, emailed back, filed, photocopied, answered, and spun in circles for the rest of the afternoon. Where did I put it?  How did that happen?  Who turned this off??  And all the while, I committed a fatal mental/emotional error.

I felt myself a victim.

A tiny, irritating Nancy Kerrigan-esque voice in my head whined, "Why is this happening to meeee? Whyyyyyyy?" The workload wasn't merely inconvenient, it was an attack.  A very personal attack.  I was treading water and going down quick.  But there was something rather odd that I can't completely explain, but in this circumstance of perceived victimhood, there was a wee bit of ego involved as well.  That is to say, at no time, did I ask for help.  And so I morphed from victim to martyr.

"That's alright. I'll sit here and take it.  I am the oppressed and so I accept my just desserts."

Yeah, I would have slapped me, too.

And I did...metaphorically (no use my co-workers thinking I'm crazy).  I essentially bitched myself out.  Had to tell myself to stop! Breathe! And don't you dare eat those cookies!!  Breathe. Focus. Inhale again. Step away from the goddam cookies!  And get some help.

I did. And I felt better.  And worked better.  

We, all of us, need help from time to time.  Be a grown-up, it's ok to admit you're not the fountain of all knowledge nor can one handle every bump in the road.  Just resign yourself to the fact that we aren't perfect creatures and a stumble can be averted if we just reach out and grab someone to halt the fall.  Read that article by a nutritionist, buy that excercise video with the fun instructor, ask your grocer if they can start carrying organic food. People like to help. They do!  Trust me on this one.  People like to feel good.  That's why they do this sh*t, become doctors and such.  And when someone helps you, they feel good and goddammit, dontcha feel good and dontcha feel like you can help someone, too? 'cuz we learn by watchin' each other. And by watching out for each other.  You're sorta watching out for me on this blog-I've read comments and emails and I know you're there to help me.  And this is my way of maybe helping you too.  Give you a laugh when sometimes there aren't enough laughs to go around.  And that sucks. Large.  But hey, I'm trying to help...

Hmmm...I'm not feeling so cranky anymore.  I've just taken the bitch-wind outta my own sail...as t'were.

*sigh* So I survived today, and if I can get through tomorrow without a prison sentence or a CSI episode based on "actual events (mine! I wonder who'll play me...?), I will be treating myself on Saturday to Avatar in IMAX, dinner at a new bistro and skating down at our Harbourfront.  There is a live dj that spins while we do.  I intend to get down with my bad self.  Hopefully, I'll get back up again...

LiliLaLarge