Sundays. Love 'em. The good lord said it was a day of rest and who am I to argue with a deity? Saturday blew big furry chunks as I dwelt on the events of the last week and decided that it was, by all definitions, a bad week. In fact, blogging was my only respite throughout and offered me a great deal of solace. I could not, however, get "it" up yesterday (and had no one beside me saying, "It's ok honey, you're just stressed.")So I woke up this morning, put on a happy face and tried to keep this mantra looping in my brain, "This week will be better, this week will be better..."
Because, I have faith.
Faith is, according to the Oxford, "complete trust or confidence" as well as "firm belief without logical proof". I can speak to both these definitions.
In what do I have complete trust or confidence? Well, my family for one, and my friends for another. This faith is based purely on logical proof. I'm not going to go into molecular detail (40+ years of molecules is a heck of a lot), but I have faith that my family will always support me and be there for me when I need them. They have in the past and, as far as I know, have no reason to discontinue this excellent mode of carrying on. More power to them.
Ditto my friends, my posse. Weeks and months can go by without touching base, but if I need to make that 3am phone call, it will be picked up. A cab will be called, taken, and my doorbell will ring with my "life-preserver" dressed in questionable jammies. Of this I have no doubt. And I would do the same for any one of them. And there ya go; logic.
Now then, what about "firm belief without logical proof"? Know what I have faith in? I swear, I still think, despite all indicators proving otherwise, that people are instrinsically good. And nice, too, if you give 'em a chance. Now logically speaking, that simply can't be the case but damn if I haven't encountered the contrary. F'rinstance, I'm polite and patient with customer service cats and I get treated really well, and the problem I had gets solved. I've been thanked for being nice. Thanked! Like it's a chore or something! Sure, I'll mutter under my breath as some dough-head lets a door slam in my face without holding it for me, but his head is so far up his ass that you gotta feel sorry for the mo' fo'. The view can't be pleasant.
There is no logical proof that love exists, but you're damn right I have faith in it. The proof I've seen may not be logical, but it's all the proof my heart requires. Quick story - dad was super late coming home one night and my mom was beside herself with worry. She called the office, called his friends, and stopped short of calling the hospitals in case...I saw so many emotions cross her face that night - panic mostly, but also the fear buried in the unspoken questions: what will happen to us? What will happen to me if he's not here? She begun to wring her hands. I never saw anyone do that before. It was the motion of someone totally at sea. I had just begun to reach for the phone to make some dire calls, when in he walked. I was so relieved I don't remember much, not even the reason why he was so late, but I do remember my mom yelling very briefly, and then launching herself into my dad's arms. And she held on for dear life.
That's why I have faith love exists.
I have faith that I will be on the receiving end of that same kind of love because I've seen it and felt it directed at me. A face lighting up when I walk in, the communication of the eyes over other people's heads, waking up in the morning with their mouth still open in a kiss on my shoulder. There is no logical proof that this will ever happen again, and yet I have faith that it will. God/the cosmos/the spark of life - they are kind, again, if you give 'em a chance.
They've given me the chance to try and revert to the babe I was and I have faith in myself embarking on this journey. Heaven knows, I haven't any logical proof to back this up, but man I gotta believe that I have the strength to carry this through. Hard? Hell yes, it's going to be hard. Bear in mind, I'm a card carrying member of SA (Sloths Anonymous) so this kind of required discipline will not be a cake walk...mmm....a walk with cake. Where was I? Oh yeah, how in tarnation am I going to sustain the belief, the faith in myself? I'll do it by being kind to myself, by being patient...and by holding on to this idea for dear life for my life is dear to me. As far as I know for certain, I've only got the one.
So, what about you, huh? Struggling with the "faith in yourself" theme I got going on here? Well ok, tell ya what; I'm more than happy to share some of my faith with you. I don't know you from a hole in the wall (by the way, who the hell does?), but because we may be doing this blob to babe thing together I'm gonna reckon you're not all that different from me in that respect. So here, have a little faith in yourself. Sometimes, it's so small it's hard to keep a hold of, but tuck it somewhere where you won't lose it. Little by little, it should grow. Just be kind and patient and hold on for dear life.
LiliLaLarge
PS-Ah, I know what will help. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lu3VTngm1F0&feature=fvst
George Michael! Faith! Shaking his money-maker in a pair of Levis! I b'lieve, Lord Jesus, I b'lieve!!
PPS-Come to think of it, he may know a few holes in the wall...Like you weren't thinking it!!!
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