Ah 2009...it will be nice to see the back of you.
These last 12 months have held joys and sorrows, highs and lows, single malts and blends.
I had plenty of great times with my posse, glorious mornings lakeside, alone with a croissant and latte, plays, operas, farmer's markets, galleries...idyllic really. And then I needed to buy clothes (insert "tires screeching" sound effect here).
For the first time EVAH in my life, I needed clothes in extra large. You know how changing room mirrors are rigged to make you look your worst? You should see how it makes your face look when it starts to crumble into a sob.
I shook myself together, took a deep breath, and said to myself,"Alright, it's extra large. Let's just make sure it fits well."
The article in question was a summer dress. It fit...ish. It was quite low cut and forced me to acknowledge 2 things, 1) my collar bone had disappeared and 2) the boobies that once stood at attention with a bright sunny "Hello Sailor!" attitude, now seemed as though they had dropped something on the floor and were intent on finding it. Then the length of the frock came into view - it came to just the end of my thighs and that's when I thought, "Odd. I don't recall glueing 2 dinner rolls to the inside of my knees."
This was not going well, so instead I thought some light trousers would be more suitable.
2 words - sausage casing.
When I finally found a pair that fit, they made...uh...the southern hemisphere if you will...seem...um...puffy. As though I had perhaps decided to bring along a sock and, seeing as there was no room in my bag, thought it best to roll it up and carry it along in my crotch. Won. Der. Ful.
I left the store and proceeded to get blindingly drunk at my local pub. When asked by a regular what the occasion was, I believe my pithy reply was,"Ackft oink." Seemed fitting...
Then there was the bike ride.
Thighs and ass squeezed into lycra biking shorts (ATTENTION:Lycra is a privilege, not a right!), a large t-shirt over all to hide the bundt-cakeishness of me spilling over the waist. The huffing started within 10 minutes, followed shortly thereafter by puffing. Gasping showed up a little later. I soldiered on and then...a hill.
Sweet baby Jeebus, how I hate hills. My weight combined with my inability to shift gears at the right time makes the mere thought of an incline anxiety inducing. I stood on my pedals, labourously ekeing...out...every...inch. Finally gave up and walked it up. That is the walk of shame. It happened many times that day. The friend I was with was patient and kind as he waited at the top of numerous hills that day. Had I had the energy, I would have killed him. But then, I would have no one to call the ambulance when my heart would (guarantee!) give out. He remains alive.
Those are only 2 of seemingly endless repetitions of the same theme, so you can well imagine how I feel about 2009. But wait...
Had it not been for those moments of WAAAH!!, it would not have brought me here, with the focus and drive to become the babe God surely intended me to be (just nod, Sir...)
Nor would it have brought me to you, today. And that's not such a bad year after all.
Tomorrow we're on our way. Hope you brought something nice to wear.
Happy New Year to you and all those you cherish. NOW MAKE SOME NOOOISE!
Lili LaLarge
PS-In case you're wondering, I will be staying in tonight. No one to kiss. And if you knew me, you'd understand the towering crime against humanity that truly is.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
It's all about me...
And by extension, about you too...
Here's the dealio: I'm an average girl - 44 years old (on paper. I'm convinced I'm actually 25), I have average brown hair and average brown eyes, a stable family, wonderful friends, a job I find fulfilling....all in all, I'm having a fairly good time on the planet. Nothing spectacular, but a pleasant ride. Soooo, wherein lies the angst that necessitated this blog?
Have you seen the size of my ass??? Who ordered these thighs??? And I'm pretty sure I had a neck when I went to bed....
In my 20's and 30's (oh, I guess I am 44 if I had a 30's. Poo...), I was an actor which means I was also a waitress waiting for my big break. It took a lot of running around to merely wait, but it kept the pounds off. Now don't get me wrong, I was never a sylph, neither a waif nor a wafer. My 5'6" frame was usually encased in 130-140 lbs of me. But I was curvy and "squishy" as an appreciative male friend of mine once opined. And damn sexy.
Then I walked into an office job. And sat down. And I've remained seated lo these 2 years. In that time, the curves have given way to simple globe-iness and squishy? "You're so cuddly" has turned into "Um...ew." I haven't stepped on a scale, but I'm guessing I'm 210-ish. The term "anti-sexy" springs to mind.
Being an average gal, my eating is not governed by the common ailments tv would have us subscribe to. I do not eat when I'm bored, I'm not filling a hole inside me (I really feel I should say something about my dating life here, but that can wait...), I don't mistake food for affection. Ever try to French kiss a casserole? Very unsatisfying...I don't eat unconciously - I pick up the almond, I address the almond in all it's almond-ness, remember I LOVE ALMONDS! and pop it in.
Nor do I eat because I don't feel my worth. I'm a hella great woman. I laugh easily, I'm intelligent, I'm kind...I know these traits to be true. I'm not blowing my own horn here, I'm just saying that I don't bemoan my outcast state.
I eat because it's tasty!! I'm a Taurus, a sensualist by nature. I wanna see, hear, touch and smell stuff and if I like it, I'll taste it! (For all of you that don't think food makes noise - ladies and gentleman, I give you SIZZLING BACON. I rest my case...).
My problem is sheer inertia. This body has not moved too much in two years, so really what did I expect?
But it's that moment, and we've all had it, when we realize that the mirror we're looking into isn't at the carnival. It's an average mirror and this is what we look like.
Yikes! Eep! Yow! And finally, WTF?!?!?
So I've decided to take control and embark on a sane, no-nonsence, slow and systematic course of action. Good old fashioned excercise; cardio, weights, and some yoga thrown in but mainly for the cute clothes. I do not relish the prospect but if I have folks cheering (or jeering) me on, I think I might manifest my destiny of babe-dom.
I'd like you here on the road for several reasons, actually - first, just to feel that there are average gals like me struggling. Second, I'd like to offer support, comfort, laughs, ideas and, in the utopia of blogs-ville, I hope to receive the same in return. I like the citizens of this planet so that's why I'm sharing. I don't expect you to return the sentiment, it's just that it would be nice.
And that's it. Hope to see you around. The journey starts January 1, 2010, but I'll be testing out some things in the lead up. It will be daily. I have no idea if I have the discipline for this, but ya know what? At the end of the day, the blob needs to be a babe again. Nuff said.
Welcome.
Lili La Large
Here's the dealio: I'm an average girl - 44 years old (on paper. I'm convinced I'm actually 25), I have average brown hair and average brown eyes, a stable family, wonderful friends, a job I find fulfilling....all in all, I'm having a fairly good time on the planet. Nothing spectacular, but a pleasant ride. Soooo, wherein lies the angst that necessitated this blog?
Have you seen the size of my ass??? Who ordered these thighs??? And I'm pretty sure I had a neck when I went to bed....
In my 20's and 30's (oh, I guess I am 44 if I had a 30's. Poo...), I was an actor which means I was also a waitress waiting for my big break. It took a lot of running around to merely wait, but it kept the pounds off. Now don't get me wrong, I was never a sylph, neither a waif nor a wafer. My 5'6" frame was usually encased in 130-140 lbs of me. But I was curvy and "squishy" as an appreciative male friend of mine once opined. And damn sexy.
Then I walked into an office job. And sat down. And I've remained seated lo these 2 years. In that time, the curves have given way to simple globe-iness and squishy? "You're so cuddly" has turned into "Um...ew." I haven't stepped on a scale, but I'm guessing I'm 210-ish. The term "anti-sexy" springs to mind.
Being an average gal, my eating is not governed by the common ailments tv would have us subscribe to. I do not eat when I'm bored, I'm not filling a hole inside me (I really feel I should say something about my dating life here, but that can wait...), I don't mistake food for affection. Ever try to French kiss a casserole? Very unsatisfying...I don't eat unconciously - I pick up the almond, I address the almond in all it's almond-ness, remember I LOVE ALMONDS! and pop it in.
Nor do I eat because I don't feel my worth. I'm a hella great woman. I laugh easily, I'm intelligent, I'm kind...I know these traits to be true. I'm not blowing my own horn here, I'm just saying that I don't bemoan my outcast state.
I eat because it's tasty!! I'm a Taurus, a sensualist by nature. I wanna see, hear, touch and smell stuff and if I like it, I'll taste it! (For all of you that don't think food makes noise - ladies and gentleman, I give you SIZZLING BACON. I rest my case...).
My problem is sheer inertia. This body has not moved too much in two years, so really what did I expect?
But it's that moment, and we've all had it, when we realize that the mirror we're looking into isn't at the carnival. It's an average mirror and this is what we look like.
Yikes! Eep! Yow! And finally, WTF?!?!?
So I've decided to take control and embark on a sane, no-nonsence, slow and systematic course of action. Good old fashioned excercise; cardio, weights, and some yoga thrown in but mainly for the cute clothes. I do not relish the prospect but if I have folks cheering (or jeering) me on, I think I might manifest my destiny of babe-dom.
I'd like you here on the road for several reasons, actually - first, just to feel that there are average gals like me struggling. Second, I'd like to offer support, comfort, laughs, ideas and, in the utopia of blogs-ville, I hope to receive the same in return. I like the citizens of this planet so that's why I'm sharing. I don't expect you to return the sentiment, it's just that it would be nice.
And that's it. Hope to see you around. The journey starts January 1, 2010, but I'll be testing out some things in the lead up. It will be daily. I have no idea if I have the discipline for this, but ya know what? At the end of the day, the blob needs to be a babe again. Nuff said.
Welcome.
Lili La Large
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